Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
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[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
mmm onion ringos
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.