I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
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If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.