*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
You Might Also Like
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
car not found
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick