I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
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So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
✌🏽
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.