cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
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[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.