A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
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A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Ok but actually
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
very niche meme I made
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*