My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
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life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?