My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
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Shark week, but for squirrels.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
*jingles half the way*
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I’m listening
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Never ghost your hitman.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
😜
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite