If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
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Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.