HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
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Time for evil
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
This one’s “Alex”.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Girl, same.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.