[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
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Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me