I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
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The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
sensitive skin
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Close call…
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Mornin
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf