party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
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[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients