(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
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My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.