Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
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Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
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“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
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Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
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CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
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Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
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[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
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When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
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Me: I’m a fiction writer.
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My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti