Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
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GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Natural selection at its finest
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
📽️movie date🎞️
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited