You Might Also Like
My neighbor鈥檚 wife put him on a diet so I鈥檓 slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I鈥檓 not convinced that Trader Joe鈥檚 is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn鈥檛 about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it鈥檚 Tuesday
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I love how Hasbro鈥檚 Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Comedians: if you鈥檙e not offending someone you鈥檙e not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that鈥檚 the problem. It鈥檚 not the photographers fault and that鈥檚 extra scary to me because there鈥檚 a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
There鈥檚 nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there鈥檚 nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok