I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
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What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.