*Seductively hides in the woods
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Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
181.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog