clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
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[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.