I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
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Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
For cardio I live beyond my means.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
There’s never enough good news
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”