Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
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I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping