if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
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If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier