Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
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Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
You are not alone 💚
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)