Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
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a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids