Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
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[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?