Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
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Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.