Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
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scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood