As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
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My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you