My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
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Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Möther may I have a snäck
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”