Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
You Might Also Like
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
The days of good grammer has went
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️