I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
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[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
*checks Timeline*…
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight