“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
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Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Beware…..
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to