The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
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8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually