Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
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How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I鈥檇 prefer one from out of town.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I changed my mind..馃悤馃惥馃崻馃槄
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it鈥檚 time to get up and go to work
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime