Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
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me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
as is their right
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift