I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
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Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.