I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
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It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.