Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
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A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
This is always good for a laugh.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Miscakes
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Well, this certainly took a turn
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.