I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
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CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles