Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
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Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Hot hot hot 🥵
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.