one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
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I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.