I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
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Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this