everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
It’s the weekend y’all
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.