*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
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Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Had to try this trend 😊
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.