My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
My kitchen overserved me.