I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
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January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Me too
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t