Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
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I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Reporter: *ports again*
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit