I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
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My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Netflix: We have Less
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today