Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
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Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!